31 (year old) days of my life

Written last night:

Tomorrow I turn 31. These are the things I wrote down on my list to do today.

I did none of them. At least none of them until 6:30pm. Instead, I wandered back through my computer, found old forgotten projects, video clips from years ago, researched possible new work places, made an Etsy page for my mom. Wondered about the work I'm doing--is there any to do? I tried for the thousandth time to jump start getting my theatrical demo edited. I found an old life coach session that I had recorded in April '09. I listened and learned from '09 me. And I asked '13 me the same questions--money making work! What I had just been searching for!?! Said things like, "I've been at my job for 3 years." If only I would have known I was only half way done! That I would get to leave only after 6 years! I watched the only comedy clip I've ever recorded,  30 seconds of stand up material and it was funnier than I remember--or actually it was funny period. Funny enough to be proud of, worth showing. But I never showed it.

I was prettier than I ever thought I was. I'm not a terribly tough critic, I'm blessed to not struggle as intensely with many of the demons that women these days wrestle with. I'm very thankful that I haven't been to terribly hard on myself, at least since 7th grade, but seeing myself in '08, '09, all the way back to '06(?) I was really pretty! I didn't need to fuss so much about my hair and my eyebrows and my blackheads. [I still don't have to fuss so much about my blackheads, but we all have our thorns in our sides.]

I feel pretty now, I know I'm funny, I know I'm smart. But what do I do with all of that? I think I wondered then, and I wonder now. These TINY ever so few messages from the outer space alien who is me in the past... Honestly, I wish I had more of them. I wish I had posted a few of these, gotten a bit of momentum, found or at least searched from my voice--I thought I was staying away from shameless self promotion--just check out my very first blog on this site to see that, but it wasn't that. I see now that it was shameful fear of not being perfect, of my creativity being rough or bad even, that kept me away.

I recently heard that the difference between making good art and bad art infinitesimally small. Nothing in comparison to the infinite void between creating something at all, and not. That is where the giant leap comes. Tweeking something to make it good is a snap. But if you have nothing to start with...

And the years pass.

30 was good to me. Very good. It felt like coming home. I like to joke that every day I get closer to the actual age I am inside--45. But seriously, when I turned 30 I was like, "FINALLY!" Pieces of myself started falling into place. I got to leave a job I hated and do a job I loved, I booked more acting work in that one year than I had in almost all the rest combined, and definitely more paid acting work.  We began learning how to manage money, something that growing up on the lower income side of things rattles me to the bone. Learning that children do what feels right, but adults make a plan and stick with it. I learned how to enter an audition room as myself and stay myself the whole time I'm in there. I learned that if someone offers you a role, the first thing you should do is say, "Thank you, may I read the script." (Also, if someone offers you a roll, just eat is, it is probably delicious.) I learned that my husband is completely spot on right 95%-99% of the time and I should listen to his gut like classical music--it will calm me and make me much smarter. I learned how much I can do without and I learned to push through in a way I never have before. I see the lessons of my life, current and old ones beginning to fit together and make sense in really freeing ways. I'm learning how to be a better wife, wiser human and better creator.

Which brings us to 31. I recently heard that the brain does this funny thing. It remembers the extreme highs and the extreme lows, literally nothing else. This might be a bit of an exaggeration, but generally, as life goes on, the little moments, the things that make us laugh or tear up, or breathe deeper or frustrate us to no end--the real "stuff of life," disappear like a vapor. Maybe that's why the Bible says are lives are like a, well, vapor... We forget every moment we don't record. I know this is true, because of the studies, and I know this is true because it takes me a full minute to recall what I did yesterday, let alone how I felt about it or what thoughts I had along the way. Proof, meet pudding. Now get in there.

Also-shameless self promotion girl. I don't watch may vlogs or read many blog, sometimes I check out recipes, but mostly I just get jealous of people's perfect lives and gorgeous picture taking abilities so I tend to stay away like someone in recovery. But I was looking for cute short hair cuts recently, and I found this girl, this creative, lovely girl who was shy and scared and she challenged herself to 1 year of SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION. And she did it. And guess what she got? She found her voice. She cut her hair off, and she went to London, and she became someone she had always wanted to be. And she has proof, a home grown documentary of this journey. That's not self promotion--that's self discovery. And I'm not lazy, I'm afraid, and it's time to kick fear in the face. Its time to HUMBLE MYSELF, to admit that I am no better than anyone else who needs to use the internet to get one step closer to living the life they want. HUMBLE MYSELF and say, yes, somethings won't be great, but you know what can't be great? Things that don't exist. Realize that in every historical era, HUMAN BEINGS have wanted to be heard, and be remembered, and need a space to get some of the crazy gunk out of their heads and onto paper to better understand what it means to be yourself as an individual and what it means to be human. Blogs are just our version of writting letters and journals. And it's OK.

It's not about finding an audience, it's about finding myself, my voice.  If anyone wants to peek in on how my journey is going, join me, you are welcome! I'm writing this for myself, to create a discipline, to honor a structure. And for anyone else who wants to journey into authenticity, creativity, relationships, money battles/victories, day jobs, making ends meet (and making ends meat, as I thought the adage went, more on that later...) getting their heads out of their butts like I need to, self sacrifice, humility, gratitude and believeing. Believing it is all possible.

And I do know my audience. You are friends and people who care about living well, living kindly, people who get distracted and bored and frustrated and celebrate and blow off some steam and keep going. I've been shying away from Facebook recently, it can be a dangerous space emotionally, as we are all learning. That we feel in this generation that we have to brag about the good parts of our life, or rant, or be silent. But I stepped back in a few days ago three times, first announcing I was finally producing a play I've been working on for three years. Then I posted how my company won a very cool award and we got to go to a fancy party. But those two posts back to back weren't the whole story of that day, they weren't the whole truth, so I posted that I also had also, doubts and fears and the whole story is full of all of this, the celebrations and the challenges and I'm exhausted from hearing and promoting only the parts of our stories that make for good marketing. We aren't companies, we don't have to prove, we have to discover. A couple of people liked the first and second posts. 46 people liked the third. 46 people haven't been to may Facebook page in years. One of the 'popular' guys I knew in high school liked that post. People were coming out of the woodwork to say yes. So I say YES. Yes to authentic journeying for yourself, but in a shared space. Lord knows I would rather that shared space be an English country house in 1890 or a village church yard in 1703, but we are gathered together in 2013 in our own way, and I'd rather gather than not.

The 31 [years old] days of my life. We begin today. No. We are already along the path some ways. Today we begin the Captain's Log. Bon Voyage.

And Happy Birthday.

ldb

p.s. I just heard yesterday how if you don't invite your spouse into your dreams, you won't stop dreaming, you'll just stop dreaming with your spouse. Terrifying. I'm going to ask dlb if he wants to join me here...

Mondays: Gratitude List
Tuesday: Observations/Comedy
Wednesdays: Stories
Thursdays: Shout Out
Fridays: Food
Saturdays/Sundays: Optional/Bonus